How 2 Pretend U Do Not Have Cold

You’ve just got to go to that party. Or the hottest new rock band is coming to town. Anyway, you’ve come down with a cold or flu and your parents say you can’t go unless you’re better. How do you convince them that you’re not sick?

Steps

1. This works best if you pretend that you’ve just woken up one morning completely cured. Dress accordingly: with the flu, you are usually either really hot or really cold. Dress in normal clothes – a T-shirt and jeans will do fine. No thick sweaters or strappy tops.
2. Apply make-up. Concealer under your eyes will hide bags. Do not use blush as they will think that you have a temperature.
3. Wash your hair, and style it in the way you usually do when you’re not sick.
4. Half an hour before you have to see them, take a decongestent tablet to unblock your nose, or a painkiller to relieve muscle aches.
5. Take a strepsil to lubricate your throat and make it easier for you to talk louder.
6. When you walk into the room, act normal, but when you speak, think for a second about what you’re going to say. If it contains the letters “M” and “N”, try and think of alternative words to use. M and N are the letters which are pronounced as “B” and “D” respectively when you have a cold. If you must use words with those letters in, don’t fully close your mouth at the end of the sound.
7. If they ask you how you’re feeling, say something like “quite good” or “lots better than yesterday”.
8. Act energetic, though not too energetic, even if your muscles feel like they’re about to collapse. Sit down as soon as possible/is not suspicious.
9. Eat a big breakfast if you can manage it. If you feel like you’re going to throw up if you eat, get some toast and pretend to butter it. Then eat it before your parents can see it.
10. If it’s a school day, you MUST go to school. If you’re not well enough to go to school, you’re not well enough to go to a party.
11. If your temperature is taken, put it in cool water for a second or two, or suck an ice cube. This should make your temperature normal.

Tips

• Do not blow your nose in front of them. Try not to sniff. If you must blow your nose, leave the room and say you have to use the bathroom. Do not do this too often as they will consequently suspect that you have a stomach bug.
• If you have to sneeze, hold your breath.
• If you have to cough, breathe in very deeply until the urge to cough has gone away.
• Start faking not sick a couple of days before you need to be better. Hopefully by the time you need to be better, you actually will be better.
• If your parents don’t believe you’re better, say that there was a 24-hour virus going around at school and you probably had that.

Warnings

• Don’t do this if you are extremely sick. Going to a party or a rock concert will just make your sickness worse – and you’ll give it to other people.
• Be careful when taking over-the-counter remedies; do not take more than the reccomended dose and do not combine with paracetamol as they may contain paracetamol themselves, resulting in an overdose.